Will Cupid Pay Up in September? Stay Tuned.

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The UGs visited an an unlikely trio of places this weekend: a country-club, a low-budget (but definitely entertaining) stand-up night at a comic book store, and an end of summer FOX charity event held by our friend John.

The week started quite busy for my counterpart Carina. Miss Carina has had the fortuitous luck of having quite the boy fan club these days. Unfortunately, my luck has “come up” impotent in comparison. It’s like God picked her name out of a hat this month or something! I’m normally prone to bouts of gloominess and last month, I’d been feeling a little under the weather. It was a dismal month for the UG ladies, and while our days of growling at attractive men look far from over, there’s luckily a new month ahead and hey, the new month looks optimistic for the UGs. Although we can’t specify any details, the UGs are going thorough some changes at the moment – mainly, puberty. 🙂

Friday started off less than seismic. The wildfires had just begun their trek east (little did we know that by nightfall they’d be so close to home) and Carina and I went to our usual Friday business lunch at an unusual place, The Annandale Golf Club, with our mentor Chuck. The club is far from cutting edge in terms of food, but the class is heir apparent at this sprawled compound.

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We were healthy UGs and both ordered salads (okay, it was just 112 degrees outside and hot food would’ve been a death sentence). I had the chicken caeser and Carina had the shrimp tempura salad. Maybe it’s because I’m latin but I am obsessed with lemon wedges. This habit has been passed along to Carina and we both require lemon wedges with nearly every dish we order. Our lemons were wrapped in yellow tinted cheese cloth and wrapped with a cute green bow to sift the seeds off the food….how classy! Carina always tells me that golf makes her cry and that her business sport of choice is tennis. As customary with good ‘ol Chuck, he brought far too much wine and the UGs never know how to say no. We’re always in dire need of a nap after our Friday outings with Chuck.

We ended the meal with a tour of the newly remolded kitchen and bakery. The Chef was so kind. He reminded me of a little rosy-cheeked cherub. All chefs should be so angelic. Chuck walked all of us out and Carina and I headed to my car, which we self parked. We opened the door, paused, and then looked each other and screamed. We were in the wrong car! Just when you thought the girls were growing up and getting some class…uncouth! Can any other blog in the world atest to that kind of stupidity? Sometimes I think we’re living in the “Dumb and Dumber” movie…I wonder who’s Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels. Not a flaw between us…

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After a three hour lunch at Annandale, we decided to part ways and take a nap before heading to Meltdown Comics in Hollywood for a stand-up comedy show at the work establishment of Carina’s newest admirer. I’m so glad that she’s dating. After all, she is supplying me with a plethora entertaining stories. When we got there we chatted up “The Admirer” at the front door and I was pleasantly surprised by his comic book good looks and succinct one-liners. After about a minute, I got thirsty and told him I needed to “buy my baby a drink,” to which he (whom will remain nameless) responded, “Um…the drinks in there are free!” Shocked with delight, we entered, grabbed a brew, and made ourselves at home in the front row. Paul Rust and Charlyne Yi were playing and the set started off slow. By the end of the set, I was stunned. It was by far the liveliest set I’ve ever seen anywhere.

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Afterwards the comedians came on. They were all funny in their own right and Howard Kremer (the lad in the second picture) was nice enough to tell us to “have a summer” 15,000 times. I could’ve killed him! It must have been by virtue of front row that we all of a sudden became the night’s hecklers and in fact, the comedians seemed to relish it because they couldn’t stop talking to us. We even got in trouble once by an annoyed lady in the audience, however, Aziz Ansari came to our defense. Aziz proclaimed us the gigglers of the night and tested out some new material. But it was our contribution to his set that  he was most taken with, at least that’s what he told the annoyed lady in the audience. Sadly, some women will just never like the UGs.

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From there, we moved to what else? Dinner. I was a little saddened by the rude audience member, but luckily my mood was quickly changed by the good company and free flowing beer.

Even though it was Carina who was on the date, sadly, it is was her and I that had the romantic moment of the evening. We sat down and I poured us an ice cold Asahi. It was then that Carina reached in to her purse and pulled out a…wait for it…a key to her house. I was touched by her gesture and attached the key to my keys. It was then that our romantic moment was then ruined by her boy toy billowing down next to us.

Side note: Carina probably regretted giving me her key the next day because she arrived home only to find me in her bed in my bra and underwear asleep in front of the fan like a wet dog. Uncouth!

We ordered the ginger chicken and Pad Thai, which both did the trick. The best part of the night was our new company, the boy. He was so funny and I very much enjoyed his company. He even gave me a few pointers on how to land the boy I’ve been chasing. He told me to to kiss him right on the lips – something I would never normally do. After all, I’m a lady and a lady never makes the first move, right? Anyone?

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The conversation was delicious and “the boy” even walked us to the car. It was then Carina walked by her car door and immediately all the doors opened. I took the hint and said, “that’s my cue.” I got in the car and quickly updated my Facebook status to “I sooo LOVE Carina’s new boyfriend!” Much to my surprise, “the boy” got in the car and we gave him a ride home; he was in horror the whole ride home by Carina’s driving. It’s a good thing I wasn’t driving because he would’ve been mortified by my maneuvers. I even told him about the time a pedestrian jumped in front of my car and yelled “Ahhh!” We all laughed, but sadly I could’ve killed the man. Oops! At one point he said, “You guys should absolutely have a TV show. The second season can be called ‘The UGs: Traffic School Edition.'” We dropped him off a few miles away and even though I REALLY liked him for Carina, I will not allow a relationship to ensue. We have an empire to build! Eat your hearts out boys!

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Carina is from Santa Cruz and whenever I hear her mom talk to her on the phone she is worried that we, The UGs, aren’t doing enough to help the community. My mom, on the other hand, sees us as regular women of charity. We try, but mostly we try to look the part as we get our nails done early Saturday morning. Our friend John has an amazing loft, which I always say should play home to a yoga studio. John is doing the work of a Triathlon Man in order to raise money and awareness for Parkinson’s disease. Some people train for years, not our John, who has only had 5 weeks of training. He was hosting the event as a fundraiser and as an end of the summer get together, which I had to invite myself to. Carina, once again, had the upper hand as she got a Facebook invite and I did not. The party was equipped with cute boys, none as cute as John, and plenty of sushi.

Upon entering the loft, I was excited about trying out my bold new move but the plot was foiled when I saw the boy in the elevator and he gave Carina a hug first and I was just given a hug and a peck on the cheek. His lips were never in my direct vicinity and I wimped out. He was impressed by the homemade macaroons we made for the party; unfortunately, they melted in the 112 degree heat in my car…uncouth! Eat your heart out, Martha! The fridge saved our macaroons and the party was off to a great start.

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Sometime in the night I saw Carina in a séance on the floor. Sadly, someone came by before me doing Duck-Duck-Goose! The night was fun and I know Carina was very intrigued by a Jewish woman at the party and the ability to get her husband to refresh their drinks and bring them back cheese plates. When I sat by them they were discussing J-date. This woman said that all the men have to do a circumcision test before they are allowed to register on J-date. This gave me the biggest laugh of the night.

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I know this is going to shock everyone but the uncouth moment of the night didn’t come from the UGs but rather from another party guest as they spilled a glass of red wine on a very expensive rug. I, a newly converted Curb your Enthusiasm enthusiast, yelled, “Club soda and salt”. John was on it along with a bottle of white wine.

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John ended the night in bed with a ton of girls. Who does he think he is, Carina? Luckily, this month is over. September will be my month *fingers crossed*

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4 Comments

  1. Uh-oh it’s September 1st and Josie just wrote this on her Facebook Status: Josie to Carina: “You could have a mysterious burning sensation right now and your life would still be better than mine.”

  2. YOU TWO are the Girl I wish I was, twenty years ago! PARTY ON. xoxoxox

  3. […] After mimosas and wine what else would a UG want? A $5 vodka tonic. I was supposed to see the new Chanel movie with a male friend and wanted more time with Carina so I invited her to dinner with us. Unlike me, she doesn’t like being the third wheel, so she invited her date from the previous day. My friend and I left early to catch the movie but that didn’t stop me from eating ridiculous quantities. We got the cheap cocktail and a full table of KBBQ at Shin in Hollywood.  I left for the movie and somehow Carina was asked out on a third date…three days in a row. I call the injustice card, wasn’t September supposed to be my month? […]

  4. […] Puss Corner”. I stayed long enough to find Waldo, aka Kane, and listen to John, from the charity event and party bus, bolt out a Neil Diamond (The Jewish Elvis) song. I even stayed long enough to add […]


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