Photo Credit Rae Threat
By: Your High Priestess, Nadia Noir aka DoubleDEntendre
Week beginning April 21
Hey Zeus or Odin or whatever hot burly Viking spirit that enchants that pre-maturely erupting volcano Eyjafjallajokull, you blew it. Couldn’t you have just waited to spend your wad another week when Mercury wasn’t all retrograde, hung over, and preoccupied because he’s too busy Valhalla-ring at Freya? I’m a Gemini and Mercury is my ruling planet; I’ve had enough of his shenanigans the last couple of days. He needs to put it in his pants, grab the bull by the horns (Taurus) and make the world go in a nice, orderly direction. At this point, I just want to pull a blanket of nice fluffy ash over me, quell my frustration with some comfort food, suck down a couple of bottles of wine, and wait until one of you gods up there greets me with a fresh strawberry pie and a million dollars.
My little trickster buddy Mercury (although I hate you this week! Take your BFF bracelet back!) is retrograde in Taurus until May 11th and what this means for many of us is that we are going to feel stuck. Literally, like an ant with broken legs stuck in a giant puddle of blackstrap molasses lava quicksand, STUCK. Mercury is the fastest of all planets and Taurus is the slowest of all the signs. From a food-oriented perspective, this might be a positive influence where we can linger at long business lunches or slow cook meats to tender perfection. Just make sure you don’t burn, cut, or electrocute yourself. Or blow anything up. Did you hear that Zeus/Odin/whomever?
Aries (March 21-April 19) Aries-proof your kitchen this week. Put little padded edges on everything, don’t turn your burner on over simmer, and please stay away from the knives. In fact, I recommend you do no cooking this week because it’s going to be one of those weeks where you accidentally stab yourself in the eardrum with a chopstick. Sound ridiculous? Well, get used to it. This week every Jim Carrey-esque, banana-peel-on-the-floor gag is going to happen to you. It’s not entirely that the universe has it out for you and it wants you in the emergency room; it’s that it’s testing you. This is like your great Iron Chef moment; Morimoto is standing over you with a 7-course meal, a blowtorch, and some ice sculptures and all your sous chefs are dead. Rise to the occasion! Put your riceballs to the wall! With power, passion, and maybe a couple of Cat Cora’s ouzo shots you will be ok. PS. It’s not all bad. At least you’ll have something to blog about.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) There are some Yelp reviewers that go to a restaurant once, have a mediocre experience, write an explicitly detailed review on all the negative things that happened, and vow to ‘never go back there again’. Don’t be like one of those reviewers. First of all, that’s absurd; you can’t accurately judge something from one experience. Second, this week it is especially important for you to be a tried and true, patient and honest Taurus. Mercury is retrograde in your sign so nothing is going to go with the efficiency and accuracy you are wont to expect as a Taurus. The irony of it all is that you are probably the only sign that can truly handle it when a waiter screws up your order or you find a human toe in your bruschetta. Just like nature, like the crops, like a trendy new restaurant, like that damned volcano, it is up to you to recognize that the stability of things is cyclical. But, hey, it’s also okay to complain when you get a human toe in your bruschetta. Just make sure you pay attention the metaphor behind the toe. And, ummm, explain it to me when you understand.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Sizzle! Crash! Buzz! Bang! Weeeeee! Dodge it, Gemini! Pick it up and throw it back! Laugh hysterically! This week, Gemini, is like your own perverse version of ‘Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs’. One day you will be covered in Siracha and cilantro and the next you will be sliding down hills of red velvet frozen yogurt throwing mochi balls at your friends. You have no control over anything this week, so you might as well enjoy yourself. Stay in the moment, do what you need to do, but don’t get stuck with any concrete dinner plans. Take your pita chip raft out into the sea of hummus and just wait. Good things will come raining down from the sky. Don’t focus on the details of what is about to rain from the sky. Whatever it is, it will be yummy, worth your while, and a lot of fun. If anyone can enjoy the pure chaos of the moment, it’s you Gemini. Just don’t forget that everyone else around you is probably drowning in Zankou Chicken garlic sauce. They might need your singular focus (and chicken wing sailboat) to fish them out.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Look Cancer. You’ve been lucky (and lazy) lately. And guess what? This week you are going to become powerful! Your influence over others is going to be chart-blowing; almost to the point where you become like a giant livered, seven stomached, Thomas Effin’ Keller of the zodiac. I’m not sure if I envy you or your position of power scares me, but either way, healthy bosomed Food Network groupies are going to be throwing themselves at your proverbial, Croc wearing feet. However, it’s not going to be all “Book deals, houses in Maui and one night stands with Giada” for you. With great power comes great responsibility. What that means is that you are not allowed to be lazy anymore. You’ll have to crawl out of the caviar-encrusted pearl-studded safe room in your beach bungalow and actually do something. In the world. Yes, that thing that most other signs do. It’s ok. It’s like a Retrograde Armageddon out there so while everyone is running, screaming, and dodging meatballs, no one is going to notice that you forgot how to talk. To people. Yes, actual people. IRL.
Leo (July 23-August 22) There is liquid sunshine running through your veins, Leo. You are like a great big agave plant, turning itself into tequila, drinking your own sun-drenched juices, getting drunk on yourself, repeating the whole process over and over again; this is a beautiful feeling. You are salaciously slurping on the giant knob of life and it’s inebriating possibilities. The great ‘Bartender in the Sky’ has lined up all the shots for you, letting you call them, and everyone gets to jealously watch as you do body shots off of young, nubile co-eds. Before you throw on your sombrero, understand that despite all the fun you are having this is the Retrograde Armageddon; don’t get too wasted. This week your life is like a giant metaphor for getting drunk; you have to consciously pay attention to the present moment whilst having fun so that in the future (i.e. the morning after) you aren’t too hung over to go about your business. Which, unequivocally, is to continue to make people jealous with the shining debaucherous brilliant star that is the Leo life.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) “If I knew you were coming I’d have baked a cake.” Don’t lie. You knew I was coming. You’re just being lazy. In fact, you’ve been so lazy lately that this week the universe is totally going to turn you into that fat little boy in ‘Matilda’ that Ms. Trunchbull makes eat a whole giant chocolate cake in front of an audience of his aghast peers. And if he doesn’t, he goes into the Chokey. Do you want devious Mercury Retro to send you to the ‘Chokey’? Do you think that after weeks of consummate laying-around-on-your-plump-behind you can stomach the cake? If I were you, I would get up and start training your tummy now: Youtube Kobayashi eating competitions, garnish your daily oatmeal with Benefiber and sea monkeys, and pray to the aforementioned Viking hunk for a respite from the prophesies of those crazy constellations. Because, in truth, you are probably going to be fine this week, still rolling around in your own slop. But as Charlotte the Spider would say: You never know, Wilbur. Don’t get too comfortable.
Libra (September 23-October 22) Libra, the consummate party girl, your chart this week is demanding that you…keep partying. Not really sure how you swung that considering this week for everyone else in the zodiac is like a giant auditorium of PMS’ing women with no chocolate and no men to shank. You are the Babybel of the ball, like a bosomy Nigella in a pink crinoline party dress, surrounded by barely clothed Jamie Oliver clones, bearing plates of buttery pasta and jugs of wine made from grapes fertilized by Anthony Bourdain’s beatific juices. The only negative that might occur this week is if you expect any less than the best; do that you might get your party dress ripped off like Cinderella did by her stepsisters and not in a fun way.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Dear Scorpio: I love you. You’re my moon sign. I get it: the passion, the torture, the mystery, the possessiveness, the pure insatiable hunger that scares the shit out of everyone. The most scandalous things go in (and out) of your mouth and no one else can digest as much unadulterated insanity as a Scorpio and come out with such a virginal unscathed colon. However, this week Mercury, the planet of communication, is retrograde and what that means is you need to shut it. Shut your trap. Don’t put anything in your mouth you can’t chew. Don’t over spice your words. Don’t let anything pass through your lips that is not simple and sweet. Just don’t do it. You might feel crazy, on the verge of verbal bulimia, ready to purge out your heated words with the same myopic persistence as a teenage girl in a Cheesecake Factory bathroom. But swallow it. Keep it down. Your life (and everyone else’s) will be so much more delicious (and less scary).
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Once upon a time, a long time ago, whilst under the influence of intoxicating substances (ok, not that long ago), I decided to make s’mores over a candle in my bathroom. While making the s’more the marshmallow fell off the wooden chopstick I was using and burned my left foot. I tell you this story because making s’mores is a precarious situation that takes diligence, patience, understanding, and honestly, sheer luck. If you don’t pay attention to the way the marshmallow is caramelizing or how the chocolate is burning you end up with a puddle of chocolate and just a bunch of burned sugar (which I would eat, but you Sag have way more class than I do). Right now your life is going to be like a test to see if you can “make the perfect s’more”. You are going to have to pay attention, watch your marshmallow with your one good hawk-eye, and most importantly, stay sober. Or you will end up like me. And I’m pretty sure you don’t want that.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Other horoscopes for this week talk about Capricorn planting “seeds” and “making roots” and “setting your intentions” and lots of other hippie stuff that sort of either makes me want to a) take mushrooms or b) take more mushrooms. It’s not that you can’t apply this spiritual mumbo jumbo jambalaya gumbo to some part of your life, but when prankster Mercury is retrograde you might as well take off your shirt and start begging for strands of Mardi Gras beads made out of beignets; whatever you think is going to happen isn’t going to happen so (my) logic dictates that you just do whatever you want until you can’t do it anymore. Step out of the comfort zone, stoic Capricorn: rub yourself down with Tabasco, put on your feathered thong, swig a few hurricanes, and prepare to storm through everyone’s world. If you just let yourself go, you might find all that existential enlightenment waiting for you in perfect and pristine order once the world decides it actually wants you to tend to your garden. For now, you might as well party while the tempest of Mercury Retrograde is watering your sacred tomatoes.
Aquarius (January 20- February 18) As <insert brilliant chanteuse here> would sing, “Money, you’ve got lots of friends/crowding round the door/when you’re gone and spending ends/they don’t come no more/rich relations give/crust of bread and such/you can help yourself/but don’t take too much.” This week you are that proverbial crust of bread, Aquarius. People that you haven’t seen since your favorite beverage wasn’t alcoholic will come crawling out of hidden wells ala Samara from ‘The Ring’, trying to slather the crust of your bread with their baneful butter. As a non-judgmental, fun-loving Aquarius, you are sort of okay with people stealing from your breadbasket once in awhile. Anything in the name of a good time is okay with you. And I wouldn’t recommend being petty because your life and chart is looking better than every other sign in the zodiac’ right now. But don’t expect anyone to go halfsies with you, pick up the 20% tip, or even say “thank you”. Ignore them. You can help yourself. If they take too much, decide what you want to do about it. All the stars point to you just chalking it up to a bad batch of dough. Which is awesome. See. That’s why ‘Everyone loves an Aquarius’. You should get a t-shirt that says that.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) When a chef drizzles a tiny bit of olive oil on a dish, or takes a pinch of something, that secret something, and sprinkles it over surreptitiously, it is such a subtle action, rarely noticed by the casual consumer, but it is an intrinsic step along the path of genius in the dish. Pisces, you are one of the most creative signs in the zodiac but also one of the least recognized for your talents. Maybe it’s because you are detachedly sprinkling the dish of your life, somehow making the world magical to the people around you, but never doing it enough so that enough notices the effect that you are having upon them. Usually, this is fine, but these days you want to be on J. Gold’s 99 Essential’s list, you want lines out your door, and you want a mothereffin’ Michelin Star. You want it all, and frankly, at this point, with all you’ve been through, you DESERVE it. So think up some crappy catch phrase like Emeril and “BAM!” your way into the minds of others. Don’t be modest. I know you want to roll around naked in $2 bills and raw snickerdoodle dough. You perv.