Uncovering the Secrets to the UG Mating Rituals: Part 1

By: Nadia Noir aka DoubleDEntendre

Biologically and chemically, most men are attracted to luscious curves, voracious fertile appetites, and a keen intellect that ensures the survival of their progeny i.e. the future sperm donors of their lineage. Biologically and chemically, most women are attracted to…chocolate. Horrible cruel and unusual studies that require women to choose between their love of sex and their love of chocolate demonstrate that more than 50% of women actually prefer chocolate over sex. This may mean that somehow scientists need to genetically mutate the male genes to create the perfect man who can both perform reliably in bed AND have detachable limbs made out of fine Amedei Tuscan chocolate. While this option might eventually be necessary for the survival of all mankind, there is currently an alternative to the invention of the “Edible Man”: the Uncouth Gourmand girls. Both Carina and Josie have all the attributes that biologically dispose them to being awesome lovers; they also enjoy sex as much as they love drizzling scorching hot chocolate sauce all over each other and licking it off –or so previous scholars studying Uncouth Mating have reported back to me. Be aware that this theory is scandalously unscientific and there is no actual evidence of this except the warped products of my overactive imagination.

Seeing as the Uncouth Girl is socially the “perfect mate”, I decided to observe them in their natural habitat in order to determine the processes of their mating rituals. My hope is that my research may encourage the Uncouth Man to gallop forth from the depths of the wild city of Los Angeles, pluck these willing and nubile young mistresses up, and teach them that some parts of a man can be edible—even if they aren’t dipped in chocolate.

My first question in the series was, “Where does the Uncouth Girl find her Uncouth Man?”

While at first the girls were hesitant to divulge their juicy secrets, once given the opportunity to put something in their mouths while talking (note: while not expressed explicitly, research has pointed to a possible oral fixation in the society of the Uncouth Girl. Do not worry. I am doing more research into this area soon), they opened up easily and with little to no lubrication.

Below is a video of my findings.

In order to aid my future studies, if you have any questions that you would like to ask the Uncouth Gourmand girls, please put them in the comments below.

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My Time at the 1st 8th Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational

Last year, I attended the 1st 7th Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational and I had an absolute blast. There was no doubt that I would attend this year’s festivities. The last time around was also the first time our friend Arun and I really got to hang out and know each other. Arun is the so-called Mayor of Downtown and is a vegetarian that gets such joy from bread, butter, and cheese. He had secured himself as my date months ago and despite a new woman in his life, I was still kept as his official date. I arrived 15 minutes before the event started and the line was already quite long. We walked into the Los Angeles Studios and it was immediately reminiscent of the actual 1st annual LA Street Food Fest at the same location.

Once again, these nondescript streets were filled with people, food trucks, vendors, and a ton of high energy. The sea of people wasn’t quite as large and the judging area with all of the really interesting sandwiches was off to the side. I had entered as a judge several weeks ago and I was glad that my group and I were all approved as judges. The most exciting part of the GCI is the competition. You get to see some truly unusual concoctions. The first round is called the missionary and is supposed to be just standard bread and cheese. This may sound like boresville but the possibilities are endless.

There was some slight variation in this round, even though I am not quite positive that it was actually allowed. My favorite of this round was one on Russian Rye with tomatoes, relish, and onions added in the sandwich. I don’t know what it was about this dish but it just totally worked for me. It was like a meatless strange version of a reuben that made this a grilled cheese favorite for me.

After the first round we took a break and went to the common area for non-judges. There was all you can eat free Tillamook grilled cheeses, potato chips, tomato soup, and Izze sparkling juices. There was also numerous trucks including 2 Grilled Cheese Trucks, World Fare, Cool Haus, Border Grill and specialty sandwiches from some of LA’s finest chefs. I wasn’t quite ready to stand in line so I went up above to buy a beer.

If I had to make one complaint it would be that there were no drinks being sold or given out in the judging area. I got so desperate for a Diet Coke (remember I am a Diet Coke head) that I walked to the front of the Grilled Cheese truck and grabbed one and laid cash on the table. There was a ton of people in cheese costumes and other silly outfits and the atmosphere was fun the entire time. There was cheese calling contests, grilled cheese poetry, cheesy costume contests and speeches from the official Mayor of Cheese. When we returned back to the judging area it was the Kama Sutra round, which means the sandwiches got a little crazier.

The judging this year was much smoother than last year. The lines were shorter but you still got the distinct idea that you had to beg for your piece of the grilled cheese. One sandwich that I was camped out to get was being made at the end of the table with such care. It was the Duck, Duck, Goosed grilled cheese. It had duck confit, foie gras, a fruit jam for sweetness, and a cave-aged gruyere. It sounded incredible and it tasted even better! In line, I heard a girl that sounded disgusted ask, “Eww, duck feet?!?!” Apparently she only heard half of the “confit’ word. The guys that made the sandwich weren’t exactly amateurs, they were from The Oaks Gourmet Market in Hollywood. It was the last sandwich I tried and it was definitely the best! I was in love at first bite…

Josie didn’t attend last year or this year due to her Saturday catering job but she was at the first couple GCI events that took place in a loft in Downtown. Despite only seeing the last two years the upgrade in this event is remarkable. More people, more sponsors, more vendors, and way more enthusiasm. The tagline of the GCI is “Bread-Butter-Cheese-Victory” and I can, without hesitation, say that they nailed them all. The event was a complete success. I, on the other hand, disappointed myself by only making it 3.5 hours, but it IS a 6 hour food event. You were a true UG hero if you made it through all of the rounds. Anyway, that was my experience and my favorites, what do you got? I want all the cheesy details.

UG Crew in Full Force at Sexy Singles’ Soiree 2.0

The UG Girls can be described as many things but one of our favorite classifications is single. There ain’t no man holding us down, well, if they are it isn’t in a bad way. Unfortunately, it has been a while since that has happened, or as Josie has said, “I am a born again virgin.” Anyway, we knew we had to attend the Sexy Singles Soiree hosted by our two favorite bloggers and Tweetettes: The Minty and Vixen.

Since Josie and I are not the only Single Ladies in the office (you just did the Beyonce finger move, didn’t you?) we brought in our PR and Accounting interns, Lea and Maria. We were also reunited with our first intern ever, Young Jin, who gave us all the Eating Dog post. The two hosts had specialty cocktails and, as a Jameson girl, I loved the Minty’s drink. Although the interns told me the Vixen’s gin based drink was good and strong as hell. Did I meet the man of dreams? No, not quite but one thing that made a lovely cameo was the first USDA certified organic Tequila called Casa Noble. Relax folks, we did our part for Earth Day! The interns loved this tequila and I can guarantee we will all be looking for it this Cinco de Mayo.

Did I care that I didn’t meet the man of my dreams? Nope, not one bit. We had great drinks, we were at our favorite downtown spot Drago Centro with their Happy Hour which goes all day and every day, and of course we were in fantastic company. Our friends in the blogosphere/Twitterazi made appearances including Hanhonymous, VeronicainLA, and Finer Things.

The night was fantastic and the event thankfully wasn’t a sausage fest, so I had fun with the girls. Speaking of which, what is the female equivalent of a sausage fest? If you can answer that question, you’d be a total Uncouth Gourmand. My favorite part of the event was a game that they had where everyone drew a playing card and then you had to make the best poker hand. This required the group to socialize and talk to one another. I, Carina, am one hell of a competitive girl and I had the King of Spades. I was being rude and rejecting in honor of the game (probably not that far off real life) and told people that I wouldn’t talk to them unless they were atleast a face card. May not have been the best tactic but I was the only girl amongst the four winners, I got a King and Ace Full House. I liked to call us the only winners, but truly we were all winners for getting ourselves out there and opening ourselves up…I am talking about our hearts…get your mind out of the gutter!

The Pasta Bible: A Mighty Unholy Book

Photo Credit to RalphAndJenny on Flickr

If you are like me, then you love Fail Blog and it brings you great joy to add new things on Twitter with the hashtag #awesometypos. When these things are food related I often say the phrase “uncouth gourmand” in my head. However, there are certain thing that are beyond a fail and beyond uncouth…they are just wrong.

In a new cookbook entitled, Pasta Bible, under the recipe for Spelt Tagliatelle with Sardines and Prosciutto one of the ingredients had a major typographical error. Was it a misprint on an unusual ingredient that is easily misspelled or confused? Nope, it was on the most common ingredient in cooking, the one that had been written correctly in more than 150 recipes in the book.

The mistake ingredient was “salt and freshly ground black people.”

Any idiot would know that this was clearly just a mistake but it is costing the publisher, Penguin Group Australia, $18,000 in reprints and a world of embarrassment.

For more on the story see:

Sydeny Morning Hearld

BBC

Yahoo

If you screw up, Food World, we will be there!

UG Commercial: iPhone + BlackBerry = Twitter Love

Here’s the story of a lovely Uncouthie
Who had an iPhone, which she used to Tweet.
All of her tweets came from an app known as Echofon,
The newest ones with a dash and a J.

Here’s the story, of a Gourmand named Carina
Who had a BlackBerry to tweet on her own,
All of her tweets came from UberTwitter,
Yet they were all signed with a dash and a C.

Till the one day when the Uncouth met this Gourmand,
And they knew it was much more than a hunch.
That these ladies would somehow form a Twitter account.
That’s the way we became UncouthGourmand.
UncouthGourmand, UncouthGourmand.

That’s the way we became UncouthGourmand
Follow Us, bitches!

Matzah Brei: It’s All It’s Cracked Up To Be

In the last post, Josie mentioned disappointing brunch food. Normally, brunch food comes in two categories: 1. Average and diner-esque 2. Delicious, but ridiculously overpriced. Breakfast food is so easy and simple to make so where is this nonsense added price coming from? Do restaurants think they can capitalize on serving a meal that mixes together 2 other meals? Who knows. What I do know is that when you look back on your childhood one of the first dishes you probably made was scrambled eggs. Cracking an egg for a child, and even for me now, is monumentally fun. It’s cracking the shell into the world of cooking and the world of all life forms.

I don’t know if it is because of my new idol, Ruth Reichl, or the reemergence of my Jewishness that seems to come back every few months but yesterday for dinner I wanted Matzah Brei. It is a simple dish that is basically the ingredients of plain scrambled eggs or an omelet with the addition of matzah crackers. This dish is most commonly a brunch food that makes a large showing during passover when leavened bread is not allowed. The truly interesting part of this dish is that it is a blank canvas and depending on what area your Jewish ancestors were from affects whether the dish is sweet or savory. You can either put salsa on it or applesauce and jam. It can either be scrambled or more like an omelet. Since becoming a devout Ruth Reichl convert, I used her simple recipe religiously and broke it into pieces like scrambled eggs. She may have been the LA and NY Times food critic and the editor of Gourmet magazine but this dish could not be any simpler. 2 eggs, 2 matzah crackers, salt, and butter. You break the matzah, you get it damp with water, you crack eggs, stir, and fry. When it came time to dress it up, I chose applesauce. It seemed the most fitting. I don’t really remember this dish as a kid but I always saw my grandma putting orange marmalade on matzah for breakfast.

Later, the night of my BFD (brunch for dinner), I talked to my mom and told her about my dinner. She claimed that she  and my grandma used to always make this dish for me as a kid. I might not remember this, but as soon as I took my first bite it felt just like home. When I asked my mom how it was served for me as a kid, she replied, “With jam.” Not a surprise, I know that my family is Ashkenazi with more of a sweet rather than savory palate. By sweet, I mean fruity. My grandma introduced me to the joys, from an early age, of raisins in everything. From carrot salad to stuffed hen and bran muffins, nothing was without raisins. In fact, I am looking for a stuffed cabbage recipe with meat and raisins similar to the one she used to make. If you have such a delicious recipe pass it on and if you are looking for a cheap and delicious comfort brunch food add this to your repertoire. From the breaking of crackers to the cracking of eggs, this is a perfect no fail UG dish! Crack on, this dish is all it is cracked up to be!

Sticking to Kosher Meat: For Love and For Health

Photo Credit to DinnerCraft on Flickr

It has been almost a year since my last relationship ended. It was a sad situation and it came in the form of a break-up email I had to send to my ex-boyfriend who was stuck in Europe. Since then, I made new friends and choices and was told by my business and religious mentor to stick to kosher meat. He meant this in terms of trying to strictly date Jewish men. The theory behind it was that while I am still young, my heart and livelihood would be better off if I only dated people that I would consider marrying. A rabbi later pushed this point by saying that marrying a Jew doesn’t guarantee success but it does help your chances for a successful marriage. Up until that point, I have dated a lot of “interesting” people but none of which I would have ever considered marrying: an out of work actor/scientologist, a homeless man, an anarchist named Pogo, and other winners. They were all beautiful and fascinating people but I decided to get serious about dating for the sake of less broken hearts. The journey with Jewish men has been healthier, rational, but not quite the amount of intensity (i.e. drama, according to Josie) that I was looking for. Through my time on Jdate I have discovered that there are a ton of non-Jewish women on there trying to nail a Jewish man…clearly there is something healthy about this idea of kosher meat.

In fact, if you read today’s New York Times article entitled More People Choosing Kosher for Health there is definitely something to this notion. According to the article there is a huge kosher meat trend not because of religious reasons but because the public views it as healthier and safer. All of the meat has to be processed under strict kosher law and is monitored extremely carefully, from the way it is killed to the way it is butchered. All kosher meat is also heavily salted which helps to keep away certain bacteria, making it a safe choice.

I can make obvious (albeit uncouth) links about the Orthodox Union heavily monitoring the meat to the Jewish mother monitoring her son or about the careful butchering of meat to Jewish men with circumcisions. However, what do you think? Do you view Jewish men and kosher meat as a safer and healthier option? I do, in fact, that is what I intend to say to my future Jewish husband before we eat kosher brisket at the wedding reception.