Uncovering the Secrets to the UG Mating Rituals: Part 1

By: Nadia Noir aka DoubleDEntendre

Biologically and chemically, most men are attracted to luscious curves, voracious fertile appetites, and a keen intellect that ensures the survival of their progeny i.e. the future sperm donors of their lineage. Biologically and chemically, most women are attracted to…chocolate. Horrible cruel and unusual studies that require women to choose between their love of sex and their love of chocolate demonstrate that more than 50% of women actually prefer chocolate over sex. This may mean that somehow scientists need to genetically mutate the male genes to create the perfect man who can both perform reliably in bed AND have detachable limbs made out of fine Amedei Tuscan chocolate. While this option might eventually be necessary for the survival of all mankind, there is currently an alternative to the invention of the “Edible Man”: the Uncouth Gourmand girls. Both Carina and Josie have all the attributes that biologically dispose them to being awesome lovers; they also enjoy sex as much as they love drizzling scorching hot chocolate sauce all over each other and licking it off –or so previous scholars studying Uncouth Mating have reported back to me. Be aware that this theory is scandalously unscientific and there is no actual evidence of this except the warped products of my overactive imagination.

Seeing as the Uncouth Girl is socially the “perfect mate”, I decided to observe them in their natural habitat in order to determine the processes of their mating rituals. My hope is that my research may encourage the Uncouth Man to gallop forth from the depths of the wild city of Los Angeles, pluck these willing and nubile young mistresses up, and teach them that some parts of a man can be edible—even if they aren’t dipped in chocolate.

My first question in the series was, “Where does the Uncouth Girl find her Uncouth Man?”

While at first the girls were hesitant to divulge their juicy secrets, once given the opportunity to put something in their mouths while talking (note: while not expressed explicitly, research has pointed to a possible oral fixation in the society of the Uncouth Girl. Do not worry. I am doing more research into this area soon), they opened up easily and with little to no lubrication.

Below is a video of my findings.

In order to aid my future studies, if you have any questions that you would like to ask the Uncouth Gourmand girls, please put them in the comments below.

Advertisements

Growing Up is Tough Stuff

Uncouth Gourmands, LA weekly, dating sensei

In honor of Carina’s birthday I opted to prepare a romantic dinner at home. I got up early on Monday morning, picked up some flowers for my home, and laid out about 20 cookbooks across my always clean home. I set out to create a five course meal for my birthday sweet and told her to invite a few people. She did no such thing and decided to be “discreet” and announce the invite on Twitter. It’s ok though, it’s not like we have 900 “followers” or anything. What followed was a confirmation from a very elite guest, a food writer from the LA Weekly, Derek Thomas. What, a colleague of Jon Gold was coming to my house to eat a meal I prepared? I was nervous beyond words. I told everyone one thing before eating, “expect the worst and you’ll never be disappointed.” These turn of events led to one of the funniest nights in recent UG history. It was a labor intensive 5 course meal, aside from Carina impregnating some tomatoes, I did it all by myself. Here’s the menu and  pictures course by course.

CARINA.BDAY.DINNER

corn bisque

romaine wrap

IMG_3520

blanched peeled asparagus

tofu plating uncouth gourmands

tofu asparagus

fruit oolong tea

uncouth gourmands dinner party

I’m not surprised Carina liked the dessert course best, I did try to replicate one of the first desserts we had together at King Louie XV in Monaco or as we’d like to say, our first summer together. I must say, I was pleased by Derek’s enthusiasm over the food. It was probably not the best meal he’s ever eaten, but I’m positive he had a fabulous time. Dating Sensei, Margaret, rocked our little worlds. Attendees included: Margaret, Brian Breth, Derek Thomas, Zena warrior princess, Carina, and I. It was a night of uncouth talk, too much bubbly, and an endless supply of laughter. Here are some discussion highlights.

After 5 courses we all had the urge to walk it off. Fortunately, where I live in my parent’s back house there are 15 acres and 300 horses to walk around. I never imagined the day when I would see Carina in a tractor.

Josie racetrack

carina tractor

girls at starting gate

What we set out to provide and what we ended up with were at opposing ends. It’s so interesting that a night that was supposed to be classy ended up, in this case, with us running around like horses. At the end of the night, I felt proud and tired at the same time.

UG CMI direct

The following day our UG investor, Chuck, cleaned out the back most conference room at his office for UG brainstorming. He’s so sweet. In order to sound grown-up, we like calling this brainstorm “work,” but it hardly is. We still have yet to make a dime, our bank balances are quickly dropping, and there’s no end in sight. But in all honesty, there’s no other place than here, right now, with anyone else we’d rather be.

The day ended with us interviewing our first employee, Young Jin. Young Jin is actually an intern, but he’s a breathing body and we’ll call him whatever we want. 🙂 Here’s us interviewing him.

On Thursday night, we headed to the Brass Monkey for karaoke. Even though I’m not good at it, it’s kind of become my new favorite thing. Here’s the conversation between our friend Bijan and Carina while I was singing:

Bijan: Clap when it’s her part.

Carina: Why? Is she bad?

Bijan: Just be a good friend.

I think you get the picture. The highlight of the evening was going to be that I would, alas, get to again see Mr. Fig. I know, I said I’d throw out his number, but I was feeling rather lucky and I wanted to give it one more shot. I’m a pretty passionate individual and when I see something I want, I tend to go after it. So Carina advised me to be direct and tell him how I felt. Did I get anywhere? No. Rejection, I suppose, is also a part of growing up. Here’s my Facebook status update the following morning:

Carina to Josie: You declared your love and he declared his like.

Here’s Carina and I while hopes were still high:

To Carina: There’s no one I’d rather be burning the midnight oil with. You complete me as a person and as a colleague. Happy Birthday, my dear.

Chuck: Many thanks to you. Your untrammeled optimism and faith is always un-fleeting. You are our biggest cheerleader.

Claire Best: Our agent and our Hollywood confidant. Thank you for all your persistence.

To Mama and Papa Mora/Mama Ost: Most of all we thank you, Uncouth Gourmand breeders. Your confidence and “support” in us means the world. We swear, this business school education will pay off one day. Want to buy a piece of Uncouth Gourmands? Everyone else wants equity, but you guys. Please be patient, we may not be ready to cut the financial umbilical cord. We love you.

Celebrate Good Times

Veronica in LA, Social Domain LA, Uncouth Gourmand, LA OC Foodie

I officially finished grad school on Thursday, however, earlier that day (when I should have been completing my final), Josie and I had the deliciously wonderful job of being judges on Great Chefs of LA Webfire Challenges for 944 by Slife PR. It is a series where the best chefs in LA are given the same ingredients: butternut squash, pomegranate, salmon, tequila, and vanilla bean and a judge marks their attempts in terms of taste, creativity, and plating. We were thrilled to be judges on the episode featuring Jonathan Burrows of Mr. Cecil’s California Ribs. We had our own camera guy with us before, during, and after the show shoot. I think we got some very funny footage regarding the backstory, as soon it is edited we will share it with you.

Jonathan Burrows Mr Cecil's Sherman Oaks

This was the kind chef that had the unfortunate luck of creating a meal with the given ingredients in only 20 minutes and serving to a judging duo where only one of us was able to eat the salmon. He was as sweet and charming as can be and I liked that my wannabe chef jacket was cleaner than his. We won’t disclose too much about his dish or our judging as we are leaving it for the webisode but we will say it was a great experience. He sent out some of his famous ribs that the UGs devoured in no time. One of the funny things was when Josie asked the sous chef if the ribs were boiled first. He nodded in agreement. Later when we were talking to Jonathan, the Executive Chef, Josie mention that she liked that the ribs were boiled. He looked perplexed and said, “Who told you that? No one is supposed to know that…they are simply braised in water.” It was hysterical and leave it to the UGs to get the real scoop.IMG_3454

IMG_3458

After a top chef made a salmon dish and two plates of ribs for us we wanted some ice cream. We are disgusting. We headed to Sweet Harts in Sherman Oaks for fro-yo for Josie and sorbet for me. What do I love about this sweet shop? First of all, it is owned by my childhood idol, Melissa Joan Hart, or as I know her -Clarissa Explains it All. As a kid, who thought I was a teenager listening to Nirvana and Pearl Jam and with a health nut mom who made me eat carob instead of chocolate, she was the girl I related to most. Her shop is so cute and if I was 18 years younger I would totally want to throw my party in this Willy Wonka meets girly princess setting. Anyway, we wish her good luck on her shop and  on Dancing with the Stars. Also, we like, no love and find it ridiculously amusing, that they carry Desserts by Carnie Wilson.

IMG_3460

desserts by Carnie Wilson

sweet harts

After a long night in class and waking up in the wee hours of the morning and realizing that I had nothing to do, I was in absolute delight. I called my better half, Miss Josie, woke her up and demanded that she have lunch with me. Money has been tight, no restaurants have satisfied her lately, but I used my Jewish guilt to beg and plead until she agreed to lunch with me. After reading on both EatingLA and in Jonathan Gold’s article about the restaurant that our SGV pioneer and good friend  Sino Soul first reported on we knew that JTYH would be our lunching destination. After driving in the vortex that is San Gabriel, getting bad Google Maps directions, and looking for an ATM for 20 minutes, we were starved when we arrived at the restaurant. We ordered tofu noodles, the cucumber appetizer, scallion pancakes, beef fried noodles, pork dumplings, and the lamb noodle soup that everyone is going gaga over. I am not a huge lamb fan but I have to say everything that was served was perfection. The noodles are handcut and have such a beautiful texture that is just as good to eat as it is to look at. Josie described the broth as delightfully delicate. I had to stop during lunch and say, “There is nowhere else I would rather be at this moment than here, with you, eating this food.” It was so good that Josie had to stop and say she hasn’t been this satisfied in a long time and tweeted that it was better than sex. We are really not over selling this place, it is just that good and for how much we ordered plus two sodas and two boba milk teas we didn’t break the bank with a grand total of $27. The staff was accommodating, the food was perfect, and the prices were unbelievable. It was a truly satisfying amazing meal. We will let the pictures speak for themselves:

JTYH

IMG_3462

IMG_3475

IMG_3476

IMG_3478

IMG_3479

We were perfectly stuffed from lunch and if I was a smoker I would have a cigarette to mark this good meal. Our next step was to head to Best Buy, after an unsuccessful Walmart trip, to buy a Flip Cam. Yup, we are going to be the new YouTube sensations, move over cats that can play banjo. We rested our bellies for an hour and then headed out to our celebration that we had only planned earlier that morning on Facebook and Twitter.

What were we celebrating?
-I just finished grad school last night
-It’s my birthday on Monday
-Uncouth Gourmands is now a legitimate business
-Chuck, our business partner, has kindly offered up his office to the UGs as workspace if we need it. The UG global headquarters.

Here is our first video that we shot on the way to The Rockwell for a night of celebrating:

The Rockwell

IMG_3482

IMG_3486

Uncouth Gourmand -LA OC Foodie

The night was wonderful and filled with many champagne cocktails, random cameos, and amazing Kahlua, cranberry, oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies made by our comic book writer Chris. We had LA writers and reporters: Veronica in LA and Social Domain LA. Food Bloggers: H.C. LA OC Foodie and Sino Soul. We also had the “Mayor of Downtown” and our Dating Sensei come by. It was a great mix of college friends, our intern, our real estate broker, and many more. Good times were had by all! Our friends know the kind of girls we are and at the end of the night our friend took us to his favorite Echo Park taco truck, “Tacos Ariza” it was very good and worth eating on crates and 3AM. When I first became friends with Josie she would spend the night at my house after a night of drinking and would be so relieved that it was me she was waking up next to. She would wake up and yell and then look at me and say, “Oh, thank god!” After my birthday festivities and waking up next to her in my own bed at 7AM, I completely understood the sentiment.

IMG_3500

Taco Truck Los Angeles Times - Uncouth Gourmand

Saturday night we took it somewhat easy heading to Big Foot Lodge and The Griffin for some fireplace side drinks and a lot of business brainstorming. After all, we are starting our “job” on Tuesday in our new “office”. However, we got one more celebration at the LA Chocolate Salon on Sundat. We went last year when we had no blog but we each had boyfriends. My oh my, times have changed and Thank God! This year we were prepared. I live only two blocks away and we decided to walk there so we could feel better about consuming massive quantities of chocolate, dessert wine, and chocolate liquor. Josie said on the way that she was nervous about how much she was going to eatt. I stupidly said, “just don’t eat that much.” She looked at me and laughed responding, “You know me, when I have ever been able to control myself?” Truer words have never been spoken and I am definitely included in the mix. We had two stand out favorites in the bunch. First, were CJ’s Stix, which were pretzels covered in chocolate, peanut butter, and toffee. Our friend, Dawson of Yelp LA correctly referred to it as crack. The second favorite was based mainly on the surprise element, it was a sizzling bacon chocolate bar by Christopher Michael. The surprise element was that it “sizzled” in your mouth…think pop rocks. We screamed with delight!

CJ Stix

Christopher Michaels Chocolate

We also voted in Le Cordon Bleu Chocolate Chef competition. I voted for the chocolate shoe designers Team 1 and Josie preferred the Tiki chocolate tower by Team 3.

Le Cordon Bleu chocolate

Chocolate Tower

We may have parted ways on the chocolate competition but we both staked out the Yelp table in hopes of winning a Yelp Elite lunchbox, which we just learned via Twitter that DerekThomasXXX won. Sadly, we did not win but we shot our second video using our new love, the Flip Cam. Don’t worry folks Monday is my actually birthday and Josie will be making me a nice romantic and well documented 5-Course dinner.